Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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