i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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