Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
