I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
