dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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