I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
