what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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