evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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