Best friends brother. Beat that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
