get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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