Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
