Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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