An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
