It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
