Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
