If that was your dad, he is hot
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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