Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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