Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
