Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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