I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
