And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
