Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
