Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
