I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
