Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
