Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
