What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize