pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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