i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
