I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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