non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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