A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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