There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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