im drinking this country out of the recession.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
