I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This is my gift to your gina
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
