Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize