stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
