Nicole vs. Life
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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