He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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