I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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