the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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