Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
