so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
only you would photoshop your dick
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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