She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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