i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
