Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
