I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
