You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
