im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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