if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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