I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize