i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
