I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
