sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
