The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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