Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
