You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
