So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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