im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
