so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
